Conflict during a break up or a divorce can quickly spiral out of control, leaving both parties frustrated, defensive, and emotionally drained. The key to de-escalation is staying calm, strategic, and emotionally detached while maintaining clear communication and boundaries.

 

Here’s how you can lower tension and keep conversations productive:

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1️⃣ Show Empathy Without Fueling the Fire

 

✖ Avoid:

    I’m not willing to argue about this. Let’s keep this productive.”

    This may come across as dismissive, escalating the conflict.

 

✔ Instead, try:

     “I understand that’s how you feel. We can talk about that later. Right now, let’s focus on what needs to be done.”

     This acknowledges the other person’s emotions without getting sidetracked from the main issue.

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2️⃣ Stay On-Point – Avoid Getting Distracted

 

✖ Avoid:

    “I didn’t forget to take Rebecca to swimming, I told you, Mum said she would take her.”

     This gets sucked into past grievances, and the conversation being diverted.

 

✔ Instead, try:

    “I am sorry Rebecca missed her swimming class, and I know that’s important to you. But can we talk about that later? We       need to agree on this by 5 PM today.”

     This keeps the discussion on track and prevents it from turning into a blame game.

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3️⃣ Be Realistic – One Topic at a Time (1-1-1 Rule)

 

✔ Stick to one issue per conversation 

✔ In high-conflict situations, discussing multiple issues at once can overwhelm and escalate the argument

✔ Keep discussions focused, the 1-1-1 rule — 1 discussion, one issue, one solution

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4️⃣ Don’t Get Drawn Into Their Version of Events

 

✔ Keep responses neutral and factual.

✔ High-conflict individuals often try to rewrite history or manipulate conversations - don't get drawn in

✔ Instead of defending yourself, stay focused on the present issue and avoid changing topic and debating the past.​

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5️⃣ Use a ‘Talking Stick’ (or Turn-Based Communication)

 

✔ The ‘Talking Stick’ method ensures each person speaks without interruption.

✔ If in person, hold an actual object (pen, small stone, etc.) to signify who has the floor and can talk.

✔ If one person tends to dominate conversations, use a timer.

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Final thought - stay grounded not reactive

 

✔ Stay calm, clear, and confident.

✔ Engage strategically, not emotionally.

✔ Pick your battles —some things aren’t worth the energy.