Relationship sabotage:
heal the cycle
What is relationship sabotage?
Relationship sabotage refers to patterns of behavior that unconsciously undermines intimacy and trust, often leading to conflict, disconnection, or even the breakdown of a relationship. Typical sabotaging behaviours - such as pushing our partner away, mistrusting their intentions, being mocking or creating unnecessary conflict - often stem from our own unresolved fears, insecurities, or unmet needs. While these actions may feel appropriate in the moment, they often create the very outcomes we fear most, like rejection or abandonment.
What causes relationship sabotage?
I am most often asked what causes relationship sabotage happens and how to stop sabotaging relationships. Relationship sabotage is often considered to be rooted in early life experiences, attachment styles, or past trauma. It can also be caused by oppressive past relationships. We learn patterns, such as mistrust or fear of vulnerability, that helped us survive in times of difficulty but the automatic pattern may well not be helpful now. They can also trigger defensive behaviors like excessive clinginess or emotional withdrawal, fueling cycles of self-sabotage.
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Each sabotage pattern has a different driver. According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Intimacy”, fear of vulnerability often drives individuals to test their partner’s commitment through conflict or withdrawal. This “testing” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over time, even healthy partners struggle to cope and pull away, reinforcing insecurities and deepening the relationship sabotage cycle.
using CBT to heal
the saboteur
Relationship sabotage is destructive, not only impacting our intimate relationships with our partner but also relationships with family, colleagues at work and with ourselves. We cause harm despite our own best intentions.
CBT is an exceptional tool to isolate the sabotage 'thought traps', such as 'If I open up, they’ll hurt me.' 'I am scared and to protect myself I will walk away.' This enables us to restructure the pattern. Emotional regulation is also very important. Using hypnosis and cognitive restructuring tools can distance us from involvement in the emotion. Internal family systems (IFS ) hypnosis and hynojourneying techniques may help create a dialogue with a frightened or overly protective part or parts of us that need to feel a little more secure or supported before engaging.
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There are many ways that I can help you heal the saboteur within and give you the tools to move forward with your relationships with greater confidence and peace.
