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Jealousy
Overcome jealousy and comparison anxiety
Jealousy and comparison are powerful emotions that can quietly erode even the strongest relationships. Left unchecked, jealousy can drive wedges between partners, escalate arguments and cause relationship breakdown
Even if you have never been jealous in the past, feeling insecure when you are breaking up is common. Even when the divorce is over, jealousy can linger long after separation, affecting new relationships - stopping you dating or committing. The jealousy cycle can often repeat and send you to the divorce courts a second time.
Understanding the roots of jealousy and learning how to manage it is essential for protecting your relationships — and for finding peace within yourself.
What is Jealousy?
What is the definition of jealousy?
Jealousy is a powerful, primal emotion that occurs if we believe someone threatens our relationship. Jealousy is not just one, simple feeling - it’s a complex mix of many feelings including:
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Fear (of losing your partner)
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Anger (at perceived betrayal)
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Sadness (feeling “not enough”)
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Panic and terror
Jealousy thrives on uncertainty & incomplete information. It can spiral into obsessive thoughts, paranoia, and insecurity that damage trust and self-worth. Doesn’t everyone feel jealous? Yes they do, but if you’re here, jealousy may be controlling you (or your partner)
The Difference Between Envy And Jealousy
Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably. I believe R. Leahy, has the best definition of jealousy vs envy - Jealousy always involves a real or perceived threat to a relationship. Envy arises because we want something someone else has, such as a car, intelligence or good looks. Our perceived lack (of wealth, intelligence or good looks). this is preventing us from achieving what we want
Is Jealousy Natural Or Learned
It’s natural for us to feel jealous in a relationship - it surfaces when we feel our relationship is threatened. Jealousy is deeply rooted in our evolutionary biology. Even animals experience jealousy (studies on monkeys show jealousy when their partners interact with others).
Men and women are affected by jealousy in different ways:
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Men: Jealousy ensures genes continue (their genetic survival).
They are more triggered by infidelity.
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Women: Jealousy ensures emotional commitment & resources
resources (to bring up a family). They're triggered by lack of commitment.
What Causes Unhealthy Jealousy?
How Comparison Anxiety Fuels Jealousy
The impact of social media on jealousy
Social conditioning has a big impact on how we respond to jealousy. Our past experiences and cultural influences also shape how we react. Jealousy can now trigger for these reasons:
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Social Media Exposure – Constant updates on an ex’s life or partner’s interactions fuel comparison anxiety.
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Online Dating Culture – The ease of meeting new people online creates fear of being replaced.
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FOMO & Idealized Relationships – Social media glamourises our lives making real-life issues feel worse.
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Increased Independence – Modern relationships have fewer social constraints, making trust more crucial than ever.
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24/7 Connectivity – The expectation of instant replies can create unnecessary suspicion.
Key takeaway
Social media conditioning has encouraged comparison anxiety - encouraging society to amplify a usual behavioural response. This makes it difficult to respond in a balanced way to our natural jealousy triggers - meaning we are more likely to experience unhealthy jealousy.
Can Jealousy Cause Panic Attacks
jealousy is a primal response which activates our fear of abandonment, or a perceived threat to our relationship (and emotional safety). Jealousy triggers the fight and flight response which can lead to a panic attacks or panic sensations. If left unchecked, jealousy can hijack your thoughts and emotions.
What can this look like?
A catastrophic mental response
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“I bet she's dating right now”
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“I can’t cope! They can't leave me now!”
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“The ex is with him, I'm sure of it.”
A cocktail of intense emotions, including fear, grief, anger anger and helplessness. Physical sensations could include a racing heart, nausea or feeling sick, dissociation or numbness and/ or tightness in the throat or choking sensation.
Comparing Types of Jealousy
Disorders
What is retroactive jealousy? This is jealousy that focuses on a partner’s past not their current behavior. There is no current threat. Both partners know there is no real threat.
Signs: need constant reassurance, compulsive checking, resentment, comparison anxiety.
Related health issues: Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or general anxiety disorder (GAD).
Risk: Low to medium
What is delusional jealousy or 'Othello Syndrome'? It's fantasy based - an shakeable belief in guilt even if contrary evidence.
Signs: Extreme accusations and beliefs. Demands constant reassurance, compulsive checking and intrusive thoughts.
Related health issues: Paranoia, schizophrenia, psychotic disorders, borderline personality disorder Substance abuse.
Risk: ⚠️ High. Can lead to stalking and violence
What is obsessional jealousy? Partner has suspicions and doubt about the other's fidelity. Both partners know there is no real threat Thoughts are intrusive and irrational.
Signs: needs constant reassurance, compulsive checking and intrusive thoughts.
Related health issues: Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or general anxiety disorder (GAD). attachment disorder.
Risk: Low to medium
What is pathological jealousy or morbod jealousy? A psychological disorder. An controlling obsession about sexual infidelity. It is intense, controlling and possessive.
Signs: intimidation, controlling, aggression, coercive behaviour
Related mental health issues: Paranoia, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder.
Risk: ⚠️ High. Often leads to stalking, narcissistic abuse, violence
Signs of Unhealthy Jealousy In A Relationship
Jealousy triggers when we believe there's a relationship threat and we don't have enough information. It can be chronic is we are forced into separation or divorce against our will. If left unchecked, thinking can spiral into not just suspicious thoughts but destructive behaviours. Each text, glance, or social media post fuels our endless search for “proof.” The more jealous we become, the more proof we need. Ultimately no level of reassurance is enough.
Unhealthy Jealousy Behaviours:
Surveillance & Invasion of Privacy
🔹 Checking a partner’s phone, emails, or social media without consent.
🔹 Secretly tracking their location, monitoring them online, or using hidden cameras.
🔹 Filming or recording a partner without their knowledge or permission.
Interrogation & Emotional Pressure
🔹 Persistently questioning a partner’s whereabouts, past, or interactions.
🔹 Forcing a partner to “prove” their loyalty with excessive explanations.
Controlling & Manipulative Behavior
🔹 Dictating who a partner can see, talk to, or spend time with.
🔹 Restricting access to friends, family, or work.
🔹 Using guilt, threats, or ultimatums to control their actions.
Public & Social Attacks
🔹 Posting accusations, private messages, or jealousy-fueled claims online.
🔹 Using social media to shame, track, or intimidate a partner.
Stalking & Harassment
🔹 Following a partner without consent or showing up uninvited.
🔹 Repeatedly calling, messaging, or showing up at their home or workplace.
Escalating Aggression & Violence
🔹 Threats, intimidation, or coercive control.
🔹 Physical aggression or property damage due to jealousy-driven rage.
If you’re experiencing extreme jealousy from your partner - or your ex if you are going through a divorce - you may want to explore how this can overlap with controlling behaviors. If you feel emotionally drained, anxious, or afraid, my trauma recovery page provides support and information.
Recognizing these behaviors is crucial to safeguard yourself and your family. Jealousy rarely goes away and can increase during divorce (or post divorce.)
CBT for Jealousy - Regaining Freedom
CBT for jealousy focuses on understanding and transforming the anxious thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours that fuel jealousy in relationships. Rather than simply labelling jealousy as irrational, CBT helps you explore the deeper meanings you attach to situations—such as fears of abandonment, not being good enough, or being replaced.
You can swiftly learn to identify triggering thoughts, challenge cognitive distortions, and develop more balanced interpretations of your partner’s or ex's actions. At the same time, CBT changes your unhelpful coping behaviour, such as over monitoring.
Jealousy Tool Kit
Time to visit The Recovery Room... I use proven techniques to help you stay calm, focused, and emotionally strong. The tool kit includes a powerful guided hypnosis to the Island of Safety for overcome jealousy challenges. Grounding techniques include vagus nerve tools.
All my tools are free - if you are not yet a member, you just need to join up and become a member of the MindFull community to access them.
recovery room
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Struggling With Panic Attacks?
Jealousy can trigger intense panic — whether you’re scared of being controlled by a jealous partner, or ex, or struggling with jealousy yourself. This fear, whether real or imagined, can fuels chronic anxiety, confusion and uncertainty that can lead to panic attacks and a range of physical symptoms.
Check Out Your Library Resources
Facing Narcissistic Abuse?
In narcissistic relationships, jealousy is often used a tool to control, isolate, and destabilize. During divorce, these patterns can intensify — fuelling conflict, insecurity, and emotional trauma. Even after separation, survivors may struggle with deep mistrust, comparison and hypervigilance.
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