Narcissistic abuse
Types of abusers and abuse tactics
You are not crazy. You are not broken. But if you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you might feel like you are. Narcissistic abuse is designed to break your sense of self—leaving you anxious, confused, and questioning your own reality. But you can heal. You can rebuild your confidence. And this page will show you how.
What you will find here:
✔ The Consequences of Narcissistic Abuse – How it affects your mental health, self-worth, and relationships.
✔ What is a Narcissisic Abuser? Types of narcissistic abusers - from covert manipulators to sadistic controllers, learn their tactics.
✔ How to Leave a Narcissist (Safely) – Practical strategies to protect yourself and move forward.
Narcissistic abuse can lead to anxiety disorders, complex PTSD, and panic attacks. If you’re struggling with sudden feelings of fear, dizziness, or an inability to breathe, explore our Panic Page for expert strategies to regain control.
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What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional, psychological, sexual, physical, or financial manipulation designed to control and break down their partner’s sense of self. It is fueled by gaslighting, guilt-tripping blame-shifting, and emotional blackmail, leaving victims feeling confused, worthless and emotionally trapped. It may even make us unsure if we are to blame for the extreme behaviour.
While not every abuser is a narcissist, narcissistic abusers follow a distinct pattern of control and devaluation that makes leaving them uniquely difficult.
The narcissistic abuse cycle
Narcissistic abuse follows a repeating pattern designed to make you dependent, confused, and emotionally exhausted:
1️⃣ Idealization (Love Bombing) – Overwhelming you with affection, gifts, and promises to create emotional dependency.
2️⃣ Devaluation – Sudden coldness, criticism, and subtle put-downs to make you question yourself.
3️⃣ Control & Manipulation – Using gaslighting, blame, and guilt to maintain power over you.
4️⃣ Discard or Hoovering – Either abandoning you when you resist or pulling you back in with false promises.
This cycle keeps victims trapped - desperately seeking the “good version” of their abuser, while enduring increasing levels of harm.
Methods of narcissistic abuse
Emotional
Love bombing to gain trust. Emotional blackmail to keep you quiet. Public humiliation to mock or undermine
Financial
Restrict access to money. Make you earn all the money (for them). Pay monthly income based on how 'good' you are.
Sexual
Hurt or disgust you during sex. Force you to have sex more than you want. or let them sleep with others as its normal
Physical
Hurt you then call it a 'game.' Pinch, pull hair, shove, Chinese burns or restrain (no proof) - claim you were the perpetrator.
⚠️ Caution: The absence of physical abuse does not mean the relationship is not dangerous. Emotional and psychological abuse can leave deeper wounds than physical violence.
What is a narcissistic abuser?
A narcissistic abuser is someone who uses manipulative and emotionally exploitative tactics to exert control over others. 'Am I in a relationship with a narcissist?' You may be. Not every abusive partner is a narcissist.
These are some examples or abusers who are not necessarily narcissists:
✔ The Sociopath - unlike narcissists, they don't care what others think of their behaviour.
✔ Addicted Abuser - Narcissists consciously manipulate for control, while addicted abusers can lose control due to substance use.
✔ Emotionally Immature Abuser - tend not to be highly calculated, rather they react impulsively. With help there is a good chance their behaviour will improve
✔ Traumatised Abuser - they may feel guilt but still repeat abusive patterns. They can learn to take responsibility and empathise (through therapy)
✔ Coercive Controller - coercive controllers care about dominance and obedience, they don't need their ego boosting.
Is your partner commitment-averse - but still highly controlling and manipulative? This is the Narcissistic Paradox.
Useful links for you:
What types of narcissists are there?
We all know the grandiose narcissist - characterised by an inflated sense self importance, a need for admiration and little concern for others. Those with extreme grandiose can be diagnosed with Personality Disorder (NPD) - but few are (only 5% of the U.S. population.) Narcissists with grandiose traits tend to function well in Western society so they don't seek support. However, their victims do which is why we know that narcissism has become more common.
Experts now believe that there are many types of narcissists. Narcissists are not bound to one fixed style of abuse - they can adapt their tactics to suit their needs, their audience and their victim. It depends what gives them the most power and control in a situation. This can make them even more difficult to pin them down.
Compare these four types of narcissistic perpetrator:
🔹 Guilt-trips partner into making endless sacrifices. Self pity.
🔹 Cries, sulks, fake illness. Breaks down/sick if confronted.
🔹 Blame shifts, makes their partner feel like the abuser.
🔹 Manipulates and guilt trips children
🔹 Uses past trauma as justification for actions
🔹 Enjoys being cruel - humiliates, dominates and controlling
🔹 Believes others deserve it. Plays sadistic 'games.
🔹Weaponises childen making them too scared to speak out
🔹 Enjoys conflict. Erratic and impossible to please.
🔹Manipulates the legal system, agencies and therapists
🔹 Weaponises values, ethics, activism social justice
🔹 Any questioning makes the other 'dangerous'.
🔹 Publicly shames and guilts., 'Cancels'. Sabotages others
🔹 Brainwashes children. Makes them spy. Undermines partner
🔹 'Superior' understanding and logic.
🔹Insults called 'jokes'. Partner is called 'too sensitive.'
🔹 Silent treatment, withdrawal, half-truths or too busy.
🔹 Uses delay tactics or incompetence to avoid responsibilities.
🔹 Undermines other partner to children - 'mad and bad'
🔹Uses confusion. Acts innocent. Partner is 'the problem.'
Remember, narcissism is a personality trait that sits on the heathy self-esteem spectrum. If your partner has mild narcissistic traits they may be ego driven and annoying but not harmful. If someone presents with pathological narcissism they will be is unable to form real relationships and can be dangerous and cause harm.
Three factors that causes narcissism
Signs you’re in a narcissistic relationship
🚩 You constantly feel like you have to prove your worth to keep the relationship stable.
🚩 You feel exhausted, drained, or mentally foggy—as if your thoughts are no longer your own.
🚩 You doubt your own memories, emotions, or reality (gaslighting).
🚩 You walk on eggshells, afraid of setting them off.
🚩 They punish you with silence, blame you for their actions, or twist your words.
🚩 You are guilt tripped for wanting boundaries, personal space or talking about your needs.
If you recognize these patterns, you are not alone. This is a deliberate, calculated form of control.
How to set boundaries with a narcissist
Set Firm Boundaries
There is limited chance to negotiate. Ignore inflammatory remarks
Keep Things Simple
When negotiating, be concise and focus on one topic at a time.
Mirror No Emotion
The Grey Rock method is to be as boring as possible to reduce interest
Keep friends close
Keep contact going with friends and family - don't let them all go.
Avoid Power Struggles
Fighting energises narcissists. So be non-reactive when engaging.
Prioritise Self Care
Keep believing in you. Get therapy to build your stamina and mental health.
Get support and focus on you
“You don’t have to do this alone. Narcissistic abuse is designed to isolate you—but support is available. Whether you need clarity, strategies, or someone who truly understands, I can help you rebuild your sense of self and regain your power.
📖 How to Leave a Narcissist Safely - if you do plan to leave, make sure it is planned carefully
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