Commitment &
the narcissistic paradox
1. The narcissistic dilemma
We all think of narcissists as needing relationship commitment to survive. But that is not always the case. Narcissists can be both commitment-phobic and hyper-committed - for very different reasons. Understanding these patterns can help you identify toxic behaviors and protect you from emotional manipulation.
Both behaviors stem from a desire for control—whether that’s by avoiding commitment to keep power or rushing into it to trap the partner.
2. Why some narcissists are hyper-committed
These are the main reasons that narcissists are hyper committed to a relationship:
✔ Possession, Not Love
They often rush into intense commitments—not out of genuine affection, but to secure control and a constant source of admiration.
✔ Fear of Abandonment
Ironically, some narcissists are deeply afraid of being abandoned. Hyper-commitment can be a way to trap a partner to ensure they can’t leave.
✔ Image Management
A committed relationship enhances a narcissist’s social image, making them appear stable, loving, and successful.
✔ Trauma Bonding
Quick commitments allow narcissists to trap partners in cycles of idealization and devaluation, making it harder for them to leave later.
3. Why some narcissists are commitment-phobic
✔ Fear of Vulnerability
Narcissists often have fragile self-esteem beneath their confident exterior. True commitment requires emotional vulnerability, which they fear because it exposes their insecurities.
✔ Control Without Accountability
Keeping relationships undefined allows narcissists to avoid accountability and maintain control without having to adhere to relationship rules.
✔ The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
Narcissists crave admiration and novelty. The belief that someone ‘better’ might be out there prevents them from committing fully.
✔ Fear of Being Controlled
Narcissists want to control, not to be controlled. Commitment implies compromise and cooperation, which they view as a threat to their autonomy.
4. The narcissistic commitment cycle
✔. Idealization: Intense declarations of love, future planning, and moving quickly to secure commitment.
✔. Devaluation: Criticism, control, and emotional manipulation once the partner is ‘secured.’
✔. Discard or Hoovering: Abrupt withdrawal or desperate attempts to pull the partner back if they try to leave
5. Key insight: the narcissistic paradox
→Commitment-Phobic Narcissists: Want to keep options open, avoid accountability, and maintain control without vulnerability.
→Hyper-Committed Narcissists: Want to possess and control their partner quickly to secure admiration and prevent abandonment.
Both behaviors stem from a desire for control - whether that’s by avoiding commitment to keep power or rushing into it to trap the partner.
📖 Narcissistic Abuse: Recognizing the Tactics
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