.png)
Conflict Anxiety
Understanding our conflict approach and safely expressing our needs
Few enjoy conflict. Fewer still do it well. What do we do instead? We close down. Pretend it doesn't matter. Get into a rage. Drip sarcasm... These are all ways to cope — ways to get others to back off...
But for some, it's worse. Even thinking about confrontation — telling a partner how you really feel, expressing a need, or setting a boundary — can push us into panic. This is moving into conflict anxiety territory.
Understanding how you respond is critical to changing your reactions .
This page will help you:
-
Understand what conflict anxiety is
-
Explore your conflict resilience
-
Find tools to help you manage conflict anxiety and feel calmer during difficult conversations;
What is conflict anxiety
Conflict anxiety is the intense fear of confrontation, especially when disagreements are likely to become emotionally charged, unpredictable or impact our needs and boundaries. It’s more than just being nervous, it's a persistent response that hijacks your entire system.
Common Signs:
• Racing heart, nausea, brain fog
• Overwhelm, dread, panic
• Freezing, forgetting or blanking out arguements
• Fawning and over-apologising — do anything to keep the peace
• Obsessing over even minor disagrements
Conflict anxiety isn’t just discomfort and avoidance, Nor is it nothing. Your nervous system learned that disagreement = danger, and it’s doing its best to protect you. By going into overdrive. It is often accompanied by difficult bodily sensations. It may well be triggered by a trauma response, but it can also be influenced by social/family conditioning, generational trauma, neuro-divergence, mental health issues or personality traits.
If you are in a high conflict relationship, you may have increased conflict anxiety. Your anxiety may not go away — but it can be managed until you are able to leave. With awareness and the right tools, your can learn how to handle the situation better.
Go to High Conflict Relationships. | Panic attacks
What is your conflict approach?
Conflict anxiety isn’t one-size-fits-all—our gender, family upbringing, and cultural background shape how we handle difficult confrontation. Mental health conditions and personality traits, such as narcissistic character traits, also play a huge role in how people react to confrontation. If you find yourself freezing, avoiding conflict at all cost, over-apologizing, or feeling intense panic in arguments, your response may be influenced by past trauma, anxiety disorders or exposure to high-conflict personalities.
Test: How conflict resilient are you...?
Take the quiz and discover how you react when the pressure rises.
Knowing if how you react under conflict — whether you are resilient or it’s avoidance, aggression, freezing, or people-pleasing means you can start to become away break the pattern. Learn tools and techniques to become more resilient in times of high pressure or stress.
Why not take the test 'as your partner?' The results might surprise you…
Why conflict anxiety during divorce is different
Even if your relationship was low-key or emotionally distant, the stress of a breakup or divorce often changes the dynamic:
-
Every small issue escalates into a full-blown battle.
-
You may feel flooded with intense, often unexpected emotions.
-
You don't trust them — and flinch when their name appears on your phone.
Conflict feels so personal because it is personal:
-
You’re not just losing a partner — you're losing the emotional and financial security, even your home,
-
You are worried about the children — their protection, emotional wellbeing and stability,
-
Romantic love quickly turns to hate and you can feel betrayed, disappointed—even misled—your relationship expectations have been shattered.
-
Court battles become about winning, being seen as the 'better parent', the helpless spouse' this process often inflames fear and conflict.
-
When they start dating, it can feel like betrayal, even if you don't want to be in the relationship.
When does the conflict stop?
Once the divorce is over and the financial proceedings (ancillary relief) and child contact arrangements are settled, things usually tails off. You may find after 6-12 months you may even have a reasonable relationship with your partner.
Common reasons why conflict continues after break up or divorce:
If you have children together aged under 11 (or have mental health conditions, or special needs), then long-term cooperation will be needed. If you have not managed this situation during your relationship then it is time to sort this now.
This is more likely if your ex (or you) is struggling with any of the following:
1️⃣ Significant Mental Health Issues
2️⃣ Serious Addictions and Substance Abuse
3️⃣ Narcissistic Abuse and Coercive Control
4️⃣ High-Conflict Personalities – Some exes create confusion, drama and arguments because that is who they are.
5️⃣ Pathological Jealousy
The good news? Conflict doesn’t have to control you. With the right tools, you can engage strategically—without losing your emotional balance.
Try my Conflict De-escalation Checklist
Can you stay calm, anchored and strategic during conflict?
My Conflict De-escalation tool can help you remain in control and focused.
How to deal with court stress
Going to court is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Whether you’re facing a divorce hearing, financial dispute or custody battle, the pressure of legal proceedings can trigger stress, panic, and emotional overwhelm. Find my practical, evidence-based strategies ways to stay calm, clear-headed, and confident before, during and after your court case.
Go to Court Anxiety
CBT for conflict anxiety
Conflict can be deeply unsettling—triggering panic, defensiveness, and even avoidance behaviors. If you find yourself freezing, overreacting, or replaying arguments in your head long after they happen, you may be experiencing conflict anxiety.
When faced with conflict, your brain detects a threat - whether real or perceived - activating your fight, flight, or freeze response. Many people deal with conflict by avoiding it all together. This can lead to:
Overreacting – Raising your voice, shutting down or becoming defensive.
Avoidance – Ghosting difficult conversations, withdrawing or bottling up resentment.
Overanalyzing – Replaying arguments in your mind, worrying about saying the “wrong” thing.
Physical Symptoms – Racing heart, sweaty palms, shortness of breath (panic responses).
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a powerful tool that helps rewire the way you think about conflict. It gives you the so you can break free from the emotional overwhelm and approach conflict with confidence and a clear mind. This helps you feel more in control, less anxious and be a better advocate for yourself.
Discover practical, evidence-based strategies to stay calm and confident before, during and after your court case:
Develop a Conflict Resolution Plan - Find out why CRP's are so important to keep you on track - and start to develop yours.
My final tips
-
Choose Your Battles Wisely – Not everything deserves your energy.
-
Set Clear Boundaries – Decide what you will and won’t tolerate.
-
Keep Communication Neutral & Business-Like – No emotional responses.
-
Have a Support System – You don’t have to do this alone.
-
Prioritize Your Mental & Emotional Health – Therapy, journaling and mindfulness help process emotions in a healthy way. Make sure you are compassionate to yourself each day - light a candle, have a 10-minute duvet snuggle with chilled music
If you are overwhelmed, going through conflict or a breakup and would appreciate a calming space to chat things through, then reach out. I am here to help you.